The State of Our Unions:Gay Marriage Advances Down the Aisle!--Oct. 12, 2008--Rebecca Rod

Opening Words
"Because: Gay and Lesbian Studies 101" by Rev. Mark Belletini
So one of the members of the search committee asks me
"But why do you people"--
(He really said that, "you people--)
"Why do you people have to talk about it [so much]?"

Right . . .
Well, because:
Because, if I fell in love--
You know, with sonnets and everything--
and I wanted to name all the stars in heaven
one at a time with a goofy smile on my face--
I'd love to be able to.
Or because--if I didn't fall in love,
I'd like to be able to grouse about it a bit,
or work up a bitter Theory to explain it.

Or because--if my lover got run over by a drunk driver--
(it happens you know, remember blue-eyed Stewart?--
I'd like to be able to take a few days off work
and cry and stuff, OK?
Because, if my partner-in-life--
Whom I can't really legally marry because it upsets someone's stomach or something--
suddenly developed an infection and got sores all over his body
and had to go to the hospital
(you know, just like my friend Stephen?)
I'd like to take him there and hold his hand for a few days
And still get paid on family emergency leave
So I could still eat and pay the rent and all . . .

And because, well--lying all the time is still wrong, isn't it?

Oh, and because--whether you believe it or not--
My life is just as important to me
As yours is to you.

Meditation
"We thank you now for love. . ." Daphne Rose Kingman

We thank you now for love--the great, miraculous gift.
For love in the body that comforts,
For love in the emotional body that delights and frustrates and instructs,
For the love of our sacred circle of friends,
For love in the spirit beyond all walls and wounds, bounds and ends.
Love--we thank you for love.
Love that stirs and soothes us,
Love that gathers us into all joy, and delivers us from all brokenness.
Love that hears the soundless language,
Love that imagines and dreams,
That can conquer all, and willingly surrenders everything--
Love that brought us into our lives
And love that will carry us home.

The State Of Our Unions: Gay Marriage Advances Down the Aisle
On August 25, 1996-- the hottest day of that year-- my partner, Theresa, and I were "married" in this church by our then minister, the Rev. Lynn Ungar. Many of you who are long-time members of this church were here with us, packing this space to the walls and up the stairs, along with our Moscow community friends and additional friends and family members who had come to join us from out of town. I remember some of you brought your kids with you--very young children who were attending their first wedding--a wedding of two women, which was still a bit of a big deal back in 1996.

That sweltering Saturday afternoon, Theresa and I, dressed in dresses, walked ourselves down this aisle holding on to each other and a sharing a bouquet from our summer flower garden, as our friend, Jo, sang "Give Yourself to Love." I clearly remember I had to swallow hard so I wouldn't break down in tears at the overwhelming feeling of being surrounded by so many supportive friends and family beaming at us as they turned their heads to see us coming. At the front of the church, we lit a unity candle together, and then Lynn began a short wedding homily with an excerpt from a book called The Riverhouse Stories: How Pubah S. Queen and Lazy LaRue Save the World. In the excerpt, Lazy and her sweetheart, Pubah, are attending the wedding of their good friend, Elby who is marrying her long-time boyfriend:

At the back of the room someone sang music from an opera. The groom's ex-wife read a poem. Everybody cried.

"Why are we crying?" Pubah wondered as they went out the door and down the street into the night when the ceremony was over.
"Commitment makes us cry," Lazy told her. "We're so small next to commitment. When two people walk right up to it so willingly . . ." she drifted off.
They looked back. The small white church burned with a golden light inside . . .

"Shall we marry, Pubah? " asked Lazy.
"But what would it mean? " Pubah asked. "For us, it's illegal."
"How can that be?" Lazy said--and thought of all the things that ought to be illegal and were not--"Like asking children to sit down all the time at school--that ought to be illegal and it's not. And what about wars, for heaven's sake? "

Then she had another idea. "Let's marry illegally," she said. "Our community supports us. When it lasts, it's a statement. When it lasts, it's a joy--for everyone…"
"Especially for us," said Pubah.
"For everyone," Lazy said. "Joy to the world is joy to the world. Why is everybody so darned fussy about where the joy comes from? "

Indeed. "Joy to the world is joy to the world!" So we were "married" that day--illegally, but joyfully--and were well feted afterwards with a full-on best-dish-you-could-bring potluck and a DJ-ed dance where Theresa's sister taught everyone how to do the Macarena.

You know--as humans, we celebrate so many of the most meaningful times of our lives in the presence of our loved ones. Family and friends gather around us for all those special "rites"--namings, baptisms, confirmations, graduations, and yes, marriages. We are held up and blessed, congratulated, kissed, and wished well with plenty of hugs and tears all around--as well it should be. During these times, the love of our family, friends, and community is not only most evident, but most wanted and needed to help guide us through life's passages from one landmark to the next. We not only gain meaning and direction for our lives from these events, but the outpouring of love and support we receive gives our lives a certain shape and quality. And what quality is of more importance to nurture and celebrate in the life of a human being than his or her capacity to give and receive love?

Most members of our species possess this driving desire to couple-up and settle down--and it's not that much different for gay folks than straight folks. Why we should continue to be excluded from the acknowledgement and encouragement of our relationships, well--that's what ought to be illegal.

Back in 1996, Theresa and I weren't as politically aware of same-sex rights and other gay issues as we've become over the past few years. We'd done some work helping to try to defeat some of our state's anti-gay measures in the past--I particularly remember working against Proposition One in 1994. Its intent was to remove books and materials dealing with homosexuality from schools and public libraries all across the state and to effectively gag teachers so that they could not say anything even remotely positive about homosexuality. Thanks to a lot of good hard work by lots of local folks and others throughout the state, it was defeated--by a narrow margin. But it seemed like things were slipping a bit all around the country around that time. A month after our wedding in 1996, Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law. I remember feeling that as a huge blow and thinking it would kill any further progress toward marriage equality.

But, as I've been looking back through various records to find information to fill out this picture of our progress toward marriage equality, I realized that things weren't as dead as they seemed at the time. Indeed, there were little pockets of potential that just needed some creative nudging to help them unfold in the face of what appeared to be such tough odds.

In order to relate this journey of progress (and regress) to you today, I've tried to put it in context by creating this Readers-Digest condensed timeline of our unfolding issues since the early 1970s (when I was in college!).

In 1973, the American Psychological Association removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. This huge change contributed to the questioning, examination and removal of various laws relating to homosexual behavior. Some states started decriminalizing homosexual acts (like sodomy) and removing other related laws throughout the 1970s. After that, the 1980s became a decade when gay civil rights acts began to be proposed and passed--laws that offered gay people some legal help and protections. In 1984, the Berkeley (CA) City Council passed a domestic partnership bill giving benefits to long-time gay and heterosexual couples.

Then, in the 1990s, attention to particular gay political issues began to rise sharply--focusing on gays in the military, gay marriage, gay adoption of children, issues of discrimination and hate crimes against gays.

That's a very broad 30-year overview that begins to set the stage for the appearance of challenges to equal marriage rights.

In 1991, a group of same-sex couples in Hawaii applied for marriage licenses and were turned down, after which they filed suit claiming that the state marriage laws were unconstitutional. In 1993, the Hawaii Supreme Court ruled that the refusal of marriage licenses was unconstitutional. It turned the case back to a Circuit Court, saying that the couples should be given marriage licenses unless a compelling interest in banning them could be shown. A commission was established to study the issue, and eventually--in the interest of making a very long story short--in 1997, Hawaii became the first state to actually offer some spousal rights to same-sex couples.

Meanwhile, other states were getting nervous watching this process unfold. In 1995, Utah passed a Defense of Marriage Statute stating they would not recognize any same-sex out-of-state marriages. Concern ratcheted up among state senators and representatives on Capitol Hill and, with Republicans in control of the Congress, Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act in September of 1996. After that, states began passing their own constitutional marriage definitions and bans--Alaska in 1998, Nebraska in 2000, thirteen more states in 2004 (Missouri, LA, AR, GA, KY, Mississippi, Michigan, MT, ND, OH, OK, OR, and UT). In 2005, Kansas and Texas followed suit. Then, in 2006, AL, CO, SD, SC, TN, VA, WI and our own Idaho passed constitutional bans on same-sex marriage, some varying in language, with ours being among the most strict--banning recognition of civil unions and domestic partnerships as well. This November, Florida and Arizona will vote on their own ballot measures to ban same-sex marriage (and other forms of unions) as well as (ironically) California, where gay marriage is legal right now. The expectation is that it will be defeated there because of all the marriage gains there--but no one can call it for sure.

But there is good news. As of just this Friday, there are now THREE STATES where gay couples can get legally married--MA (since 2004), CA (as of June 17 this year) and Connecticut (as of Friday, October 10). Apparently, over 10,000 same-sex couples have gotten married in MA since 2004. But in California, over 11,000 gay and lesbian pairs have gotten married since just June--surpassing in four months the number married in MA in foir years. Of course, CA marriage licenses were made available to people from other states from the start, where as MA same-sex marriage had been limited to just state residents.

There are eight states that offer some form of civil union or domestic partnership:

2000--Vermont--has civil unions that are equivalent to state-level spousal rights
2002--Dist. of Columbia--has domestic partnerships equivalent to state-level rights2004--Maine--has domestic partnerships with some statewide spousal rights
2004--Massachusetts--issues marriage licenses for people who live in state
2007--New Jersey--has civil unions equivalent to state spousal rights
2007--Washington--has domestic partnerships with some state spousal rights
2008--New Hampshire--has civil unions with equivalent state-level spousal rights
2008--Oregon--offers domestic partnerships with equivalent state spousal rights

And as of 2008, the state of New York recognizes marriages by same-sex couples from other states. A number of large cities and municipalities have created various forms of domestic partner recognition in order to extend benefits as well, as have many businesses and corporations. Even our own City of Moscow has made a brave effort towards fairness by allowing city employee's domestic partners to apply for benefits. I hope one of these days someone will test it, so we can see if it holds. It could prove to be a creative way to wiggle out of our state's strangle-hold--and perhaps then our UI powers might venture to try it.

Really, it's rather head-spinning to try to keep up with all the progress that is being made around same-sex relationship recognition. New developments take place practically daily it seems. And so far, no states have slipped off the face of the earth or fallen into fiery crevasses. In fact, some state's economies are even being helped.

Straight people seem to still be getting married--and divorced--regardless of our progress down the aisle. And as time goes by, more and more people opining through the myriad of opinion polls indicate they're getting less and less fussy on the subject of same-sex relationship recognition. Although, they still don't want to share the old standard "horse and carriage" marriage. Well, let them keep dragging around in that old beast of burden, I say. We'll create the new model, where any two can ride--and no animals will be harmed in the process!

It's really quite amazing how much has happened since our wedding in 1996--and as we move forward into the future it feels like we just keep gaining momentum. I've certainly seen more progress than I ever expected in my lifetime, and it gives me great hope for the future of the lives and relationships of the LGBT students I work with. No doubt, it'll still take quite some time for our own state to be able to move toward marriage equity. But selfish and self-serving constitutional amendments and their agents will be worn down or die off in time.

And our day will come. Love is gaining ground in various cities and states, countries and companies every day. Like water that carves through rock with a steady trickle over time, or sometimes in the fury of a flash flood--love will cut its course across states and borders everywhere, clearing the aisles for us and our partners to stride down freely and openly into a fair and equal future.

Closing Words
"Go out into the highways and by-ways . . . " John Murray (#704)

Go out into the highways and by-ways,
Give the people something of your new vision.

You may possess a small light, but uncover it, let it shine.
Use it in order to bring more light and understanding
to the hearts and minds of men and women.
Give them not hell, but hope and courage;
Preach the kindness and the everlasting love of God.